


and in the end we all know we only breathe for so long

by majesdane



Category: Runaways (Comics)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-09-27
Updated: 2008-09-27
Packaged: 2017-12-06 09:13:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/734014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>It's not that Nico can't trust Xavin. It's that Nico doesn't like her.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	and in the end we all know we only breathe for so long

**Author's Note:**

> written for the prompt: "I couldn't get him out of my head. Still can't. I spent three solid days thinking about him. The more he bothered me, the less I could forget him. And the more I learned about him, the less I wanted to leave him." - Life of Pi, Yann Martel

 

 _we feed on the irony, we drink hypocrisy_  
we are everything we hate and need  
\-- 'reckless abandonment,' the spill canvas

 _i'd rather be in love than dead_  
but not with her, oh god, not with her  
\-- 'this is the end,' the maine

 

 

Karolina wants them all to just get along.

She's tired of having to go back and forth between them. Nico is alternatingly hot and cold, depending on her mood, which changes more often than Karolina can account for. Xavin is always bright and cheerful, except for the times when Karolina says something she doesn't like, and then Xavin will be in a sour mood for the next hour or so.

But the worst times are when Karolina talks to Xavin about Nico or to Nico about Xavin. That's when both Xavin and Nico become unpleasant and it makes Karolina wonder why she even tries to bring up the subject at all. She knows there's an animosity between them. She's just doesn't really know why.

;;

Xavin doesn't like it when Karolina spends too much time with Nico. She remembers the things Karolina told her, months ago, about Nico. About how Nico was such a good friend, Nico was one of the few people that she ever considered herself close to, and she was pretty too, wasn't she? Karolina obviously admired her, but Xavin didn't find see anything remarkable about Nico. And then Karolina confessed to Xavin that she had been -- was still, even -- in love with Nico.

She'd said it softly, looking terribly unhappy about it, and Xavin hadn't had the heart to do anything but wrap her arms around Karolina and stroke her hair, blond and soft now that she'd reverted back to her human form from lack of sunlight. Xavin put her lips against Karolina's ear and murmured words of comfort in Skrullos; she thought they sounded prettier than plain Earth words.

Karolina got over Nico. Or so she told Xavin.

Xavin's not worried, not really. She's fairly confident that Karolina loves her, just as she says she does. And she's tried to do everything to make Karolina happy, though sometimes it's hard to do, because Karolina's not always so clear about what she likes or wants and sometimes Xavin just has to guess. But Karolina seems happy enough, and Xavin can't help smirking on the inside when she sees Nico out of the corner of her eye, scowling.

Nico doesn't need to say out loud that she hates Xavin, though she has, from time to time. Xavin ignores her, even if the Skrullos custom is to never let an insult go un-countered. She just makes sure to kiss Karolina in front of Nico, to take Karolina's hand in her own and squeeze it tightly when she feels Nico's eyes on them.

Xavin knows this hurts Nico more than any insult ever could.

;;

Karolina loves them both, of course, though she can't quite put it into words that simply.

;;

Nico is an idiot.

As the leader, she knows this, and she knows she should just let go of this stupid, petty jealousy she keeps clinging to. But she can't. She blames Xavin for everything that happened, even if it really wasn't his fault. She lists events in her head, counting off on her fingers how many things could have just never happened if Karolina hadn't left, if Xavin hadn't come for her.

Her kissing Chase in New York, Gert finding out about it, all three of them fighting because of it; their fighting getting Molly kidnapped, which lead to Gert's death, and eventually to Chase's noble, but stupid, attempt to bring Gert back, nearly killing them _all_ in the process. And in the end, she always comes back to the fact that she kissed Chase because she was lonely and irrational, and it she wouldn't have been like that if Karolina hadn't gone to be with Xavin.

Stupid Xavin, with his stupid Skrull powers and stupid planet fighting a stupid war. Stuck-up Xavin who thought he was better than everyone else; a better hero, smarter, cooler, more mature. _Male_ Xavin. Nico can't figure out for the life of her why Karolina is still with him, and it makes her feel sick to her stomach, thinking about how Karolina would rather have Xavin than her . . .

. . . She doesn't want Karolina for herself though.

Of course not.

;;

In New York, circa 1907, things are different.

Karolina's less worried about Nico and Xavin fighting now, because it seems that Nico and Victor are having troubles of their own. It's not that she wants anyone in the group to be angry with each other, but at least it makes things easier for once. And here in New York, she can pretend that Nico didn't press the issue of Xavin's gender up on the rooftop the night before, and that their conversation didn't end with Karolina flying off, hurt.

She remembers how it felt, to hold Nico close to her, and she hates herself for thinking about that. They've got bigger things to worry about now, as Xavin keeps reminding her, in that annoying way of hers when she knows she's right. That night, Karolina pulls Xavin towards her and kisses her fully on the mouth; Xavin grins into the kiss, only breaking away for a moment to catch her breath before pressing their lips together once more.

It only vaguely registers in Karolina's mind that Nico's right next to them.

;;

Nico hates 1907 more than she can say.

She hates Lily, but she pushes Victor to her, half trying to make up for her stupid argument with Karolina on the rooftop of their New York apartment building, and half just not caring. She's so sick of being jealous and angry; it's easier to give up and let the inevitable happen.

;;

Xavin tries to tell Chase, in roundabout sort of way, about the mess between her, Karolina, and Nico. Chase doesn't get it (or simply doesn't really care, Xavin thinks it could be both) and Xavin's not really surprised, because she doesn't quite understand it either.

;;

It's not as though they argue all the time, but sometimes Karolina just doesn't seem to (or want to, even, it could be that) see things for what they are. To her, being in the past is just one big adventure, even though Xavin tries to stay patient and explain to her that they need to be worried about the big picture. And now with Chase gone and Nico missing, they should be focusing on how to regroup and how they're going to get back home. Not worrying about picking up another member, especially a girl who isn't even from their time. But Karolina is adamant, and it makes Xavin angry, and they fight.

And then it's over as soon as it begins, when Karolina takes a step back, all anger completely wiped away, replaced by a broad grin.

When Karolina pulls Xavin to her, cups her face in her hands, kisses her, she feels content. But Xavin feels something else, too, something she can't quite put her finger on. There was something about the way Karolina implied that she'd never really accepted Xavin as a female before this; there was something in her tone of voice, disbelief, almost, that Xavin was indeed actually a female.

(Well, this part of Xavin was anyway, the part of Xavin that belonged to Karolina. Not the Super-Skrull in training or the child of warlords or the boy part of her that Nico assumed was constant.)

And, oh, how Xavin wishes Nico were here to witness this. Gloating isn't considered an admirable trait between Skrulls or even here on Earth, but at this moment, Xavin wants nothing more than to do just that. She knows that it would make Nico hate her even more, and there's a odd sort of rush through her then, an excited thrill, meaning undeterminable.

Xavin loves Karolina and despises Nico.

She's just not sure which feeling is stronger.

;;

Victor wasn't worried about her. Not on the inside, not really. Maybe he _was_ worried, superficially, but she can hear insincerity ringing in his words, and she can't even bring herself to care at this point. Karolina is different, though; she reaches toward Nico and Xavin grabs her arm, tugging her back, frowning.

When Nico says, "Wow, _you_ really _were_ worried," pointedly looking over Karolina's shoulder at Xavin, the other girl glares right back at her.

"She wasn't _that_ worried," Xavin says.

There's a part of Nico that smiles at Xavin's words, because it's obvious from Xavin's tone that Karolina was indeed that worried, and she loves that Xavin's still jealous of her, even though she pretends that she's not. She gives Karolina a smile, touches her arm for the briefest of moments, says in a soft voice that she's okay.

Xavin scowls, annoyed.

Nico loves it.

;;

Back in New York, present day, it feels like everything's different, even if it isn't.

Karolina tugs her into the bushes, kisses her quickly, breathlessly. Their kisses feel different now, more confident, Xavin thinks, even if she doesn't really know what that means and is half sure that she's just imagining it. But Karolina doesn't lose her smile once while they spend the next few days in New York, hiding in plain sight, as Nico says, a term which Xavin thoroughly objects to, and not just because it's Nico's idea.

And then Skrulls come to Earth.

;;

It's not that Nico can't trust Xavin. It's just that she doesn't like her.

;;

For a second, their eyes meet.

It's only for an instant, a fleeting moment. Xavin, tears blurring her vision, hopes that maybe Nico will understand, that maybe for once she won't be stubborn and thick and realize that this is the only option they have. Xavin knows she might die -- it's a factor of war that she's always been aware of, accepted -- but she doesn't want the others to be slaughtered.

Nico says, "Karolina will hate me for this."

Xavin almost feels sorry for her.


End file.
